You hear all the stories of pregnancy, anything from it is the most magical experience of life to raging hormones, weird cravings and complete loss of control of your feelings and logical emotions. Well, so far I have found that it has been somewhere in the middle and most things you read leave with just as many questions as to when you started looking for answers. There is a lot left up for personal interpretation and hoping for the best, there is no clear road.
The first trimester I spent most of the time being anxious, trying to talk myself into the fact everything was progressing in a healthy and successful way. The rest of the time I was at work or lying on the sofa exhausted and nauseated. It was not the most exciting 12 weeks of my life. The anxiety is something I know many parents deal with when getting pregnant. I was scared to feel excited and hopeful knowing what the chances of miscarriage are; 4 in 1 pregnancy, but also truly understanding those odds and what they mean having previously had a miscarriage earlier in the year. My husband and I anxiously waited for 8-week ultrasound, waiting to hear the heartbeat for the first time before telling almost anyone. I think we each told about one person prior to this, mainly because we needed to share our anxiety with someone other than each other. I also work in an area that makes it really tough to hide.
This time around Jake was able to come into the ultrasound appointment with me, now that Covid had ‘settled’ slightly. Having him in the ultrasound with me, after hearing the heartbeat for the first time was such a great feeling. I did not realize how much relief or how hard it was the first time around not having him in the room with me. This is just one of many things Covid has impacted in people’s healthcare and life over the past couple of years. It is one of those things many do not think about until it directly affects them either; downstream effects of Covid on the system.
Once we had made it through the first ultrasound we told a few people including our parents. We still kept the number of people we told to a few close friends and immediate family. I wanted to wait until the 12-week ultrasound before telling the greater number of friends and family. There is less of a chance of something happening after the 12-week mark. At this point, we were able to get the blood results back from the genetic screening we did, which was also a positive experience for us. We wanted as much information as we could have, although the one thing we did not opt for was finding out the gender even though it was an option at this time. We had agreed that it would be a wonderful surprise to find out at the birth, also knowing that either of us cared what we were having. I
The realization of how much of an impact being pregnant takes on your body in both a physical and emotional sense was one that I found tough and honestly kept thinking I should be feeling better and doing more. Yes, I know this seems extremely obvious to everyone except me, I like to think that I should be expected to that rule and I am healthy and therefore it should have less of an impact on me. I acknowledged I was pregnant and might impact what I was able to do, however, there was no part of me that was ready to give up my physical fitness goals as well my emotional control. I did not have the energy to run throughout my first trimester and during my second where I had the energy, I had a lot of pressure on my pelvis and was peeing constantly making running extremely frustrating. I felt completely guilty about not being able to run, I honestly thought I was going to be one of those moms who was able to run and potentially even train all the way to my third trimester. It is what I love to do and it completely reduces my stress and gives me multiple positive emotions and thoughts. It was hard to hear everyone say oh it is okay your pregnant you can find another way to do cardio or relieve stress. I know there many other things I could do while I am pregnant but I did not want to do any of them. It also was not the point of why I was talking about it or made me feel any better. I wanted to continue to be able to do the things that I love and feel good doing them. I knew these comments were coming from a good place and I did appreciate them, I just really wanted to be able to run, it is not so easily replaced for me.
Being pregnant is a completely surreal feeling, knowing that you are going to have a tiny human completely dependent on you for the rest of your life or at least the better half of the next 18 years. I still look at my parents, as very much my parents and feel in my twenties, it seems crazy to me to think that I will be taking on that role in a few short weeks. I assume some of it just comes naturally and it just flows and you just figure it out and pray for the best; that there is no magical recipe to success. Even seeing the ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeat it just does not seem real. It is our first child we also do not know exactly what to expect and it will completely change our lives. It may not be this huge drastic change or one for the worse but I do think it will be different and we have to adjust how we do the things we do slightly. It will definitely be a challenge trying to figure it all out.
I am officially on mat leave now. I had my last day of work on December 28th; a night shift of course. It was just after I made it to 36 weeks. Going off work around 36 weeks seems to be pretty normal at my place of work if not earlier. I thought I would finish up my Christmas stretch and then be off for the new year. Let me say I am feeling pregnant and ready to not be pregnant anymore. I am generally uncomfortable and my ankles and feet are always swollen even when wearing compression socks. I have re-entered the tired phase of pregnancy.
It feels surreal to be off on mat leave and not coming back to work for a full year. It felt so odd cleaning out my locker saying goodbye to those on shift with and those coming on. I know I will see my friends over the year just not at work; scheduling should become much easier. I have always either been in school or working throughout the summer for the past 10 years. Again I can not imagine what it will be like to have an extended period of time off. Yes, the baby will keep me busy for sure; it’s hard to quantify that level of ‘work’ though as it is something I have never experienced and I don’t think can be accurately explained until one does experience themselves. Even over the next four weeks, I am going to try not going to stir crazy waiting for the baby. I want to focus on baby prep, labour prep and spending time with my husband as it will be the last weeks that it will ever be just the two of us. With that in mind, I am also hoping to have time to myself and relax.
The last few weeks have been, and are absolutely fridged highs of -25 to -30 degrees celsius. Due to the weather, we have limited our time outside, and have not taken our puppy on as long or as many walks each day. It is simply not practical or safe for our puppy to be out that long. She is totally a winter puppy and would be outside all the time if we let her. Over the past month, I have relied on talking to her for walks as my cardio workout. It is the right amount of exertion while still feeling as if I have accomplished something. It also keeps our puppy, Rossi, from going crazy inside the house. I was trying to use the indoor bike trainer more however I am now too big and it’s uncomfortable to be in the bent forward position that biking requires, not to mention non of the bike workout clothing fits.
The other challenge I have been facing is yet another sober holiday season. Last year we had a miscarriage during the holiday season, we had our first ultrasound a few days before Christmas and we sadly did not hear a heartbeat at this time. At this time the medical team did not want to make a definitive answer about the future success of pregnancy, as there tiniest chance we had gotten our dates wrong. So as the holiday season went on I acted as if I was pregnant, even though I was fairly certain we were not having a successful pregnancy. Now this year we are very much having a successful pregnancy and quite likely a successful birth will be taking place after the holidays I am again not drinking. It is not that I need to drink in order to have a good time but I do enjoy a festive cocktail and a good glass of wine. Christmas is my favourite time of year and I like to enjoy it to its fullest extent. There are also more parties and gatherings and socialization that occur around this time of year even with COVID, which as many pregnant people know make it tougher or leave you with more of a desire to have a drink. Being told that you can not do something does, unfortunately, make some myself included want to do it more additionally it is the end of pregnancy and I tend to be craving the things I have not been able to do more now than I was earlier in the year, such a glass of wine or honestly going for a good solid long run on the weekends.
Pregnancy has been better than I was initially expecting yet for me it has not been this beautiful thing. To me, it is a step that needs to be taken in order to have our little baby which we are both so excited about. It is kind of cool to think you have a miniature human growing inside you, it is also a bit weird and surreal. Let’s be honest the whole birth/labour situation is not one I am particularly looking forward to and I do hope that is as people say it sucks until the baby is out and then everything is forgotten. Feeling the baby kick is cool and super weird all at the same time, as well slightly uncomfortable when it likes to get its little feet all up in my ribs. We are both getting excited to find out if we are having a boy or girl and what they are going to be like, who will they look like. I will be at term in just a few days which means the baby could come anytime, although it likely going to be closer to if not after my actual due date. Hopefully, it will be right around 38 weeks, to me that seems like the perfect time, but I will just have to exert all my patience, and likely develop more over the next few weeks.
I wanted to touch briefly on the debate between going with a midwife or traditionally going with a gynecologist and family doctor. Over the years I have viewed myself as very westernized in beliefs in medicine. I initially thought I would for sure use my family doctor and gynecologist, however many of my friends at work which I trust immensely had midwives. We discussed the reasons they liked them why they went with them; it left me rather undecided on what I wanted to do personally. Through conversations with them and doing my own research I found out that yes they can do things naturally, home births and all they also supportive in hospital environments, pain medications; their goal is to have healthy safe pregnancy and birth for every mother; so what whatever is best and more comfortable for them. I started seeing my family doctor when I first found out I was pregnant. We got the confirmation test and bloodwork, however, I quickly realized that my family doctor was not the best option and was a bit cold with everything that I was hoping to have throughout the experience. I know family doctors can be amazing and they all have different strengths, I personally just wanted more from a doctor than the vague recommendation of where I could go for further care throughout my pregnancy. I did not want to wait weeks for an appointment time to ask random questions about my symptoms or what to expect. I know the health care system and I found unless I asked a very direct question that I was not going to get any information, which is great if you know what to ask, however, I do not always know to what ask either. The option of having more personalized care was very appealing, especially after the birth process. I was recommended to the birth clinic my midwives work through our nurses at work. Knowing their values were similar to my own I felt more comfortable going there and getting the care I wanted. I was still worried that they would push all-natural and home birth on me instead of what I wanted but found this to be the opposite. They have been very good about presenting all my options and what all the options all look like. Their goal much as my goal is a healthy baby and however we get there, we get there.
The midwives work in team of two throughout the entire pregnancy, birth and after a period. You get to know both of them throughout the experience. One of them is on call for births where the other one is available to be at clinic appointments and answer emailed questions. The emailed questions are concerns are those that you can wait for a 24hour period if it is emergent and you can not wait then you can call the pager number and will hear from right away. They go over what classifies as emergent needs as well. They have been really good about getting back to me and have sent me a lot of quality evidence-based information on different aspects of pregnancy, giving birth and what to expect in the first few weeks of having a newborn. They have offered prenatal classes which unfortunately are on zoom due to the current climate of the healthcare system; still glad we have access to the information and opportunity to meet other couples in the same position that we are in. I am grateful they have not pressured me in any way to have home birth either but completely respect my choice to deliver at the hospital and likely use pain medication as well.
Overall there are options out there whether it’s having a midwife or gynecologist be the main provider in your care. If you want home birth or hospital, pain medication or the natural method, vaginal birth or if you need c section to deliver your little one, they are valid and right choices for you and your family. At the end of the day, we all want healthy children and doing everything you can give them the best is odds is being a parent. We all have different needs throughout the time, no two pregnancies are the same either, which is something I am learning as the process continues to not compare myself with other moms. I know my body and I generally know is best for it, with little guidance from my care providers and my own educational resources.
Everything from here on out is a bit of a surreal experience and will change our lives. I plan to focus on the time we do have together as just the two of us, as well as make sure we are both mentally and physically prepared for baby to come; which I think we are, just need to double-check the lists that we have made. It has been quite the journey so far and it can only get better from here. We can’t wait to meet our little addition to the family.
